By Stephanie C.
“What should we say as our excuse for being here?” Romeo asked as his clique walked up to the Capulet mansion in their weird masks and cultish outfits. Benvolio informed him that they’re just going to go in, be cool, and leave so Romeo can see his beloved and stop being a depressed little human excrement, to which Romeo tells him that he doesn’t want to be like the cool kids, that he is too sad to dance.
Mercutio neighed, “Listen, you three-inch fool, you have to dance. Find a new lady to woo.”
And so the two of them had a long argument about love and dreams we’ve all read before and we don’t care enough to hear again.
Benvolio shuts the two of them up, saying that they’re going to be late if they keep talking as they arrived.
Almost as if it was on queue and this was a play that is completely scripted, Sir Capulet began his welcome speech to the guests as Romeo, Benvolio, and the horse walked through the entrance gates. The beginning of an overdone, over referenced love story starts here, when Romeo laid eyes upon Juliet, and near pedophilia ensued. While he was mumbling his fantasies about Juliet, her cousin overheard him and wondered where have I hear this marvelous voice before? Maybe in a dream? Maybe as I was stalking Romeo Montague right outside his very own window? He thought. Tybalt was convinced this was the man he loves as his own. Romeo was visibly in love with Juliet as he touched her hand and fireworks lit up in his eyes, Tybalt was not so visibly in love with Romeo. The hot-headed macaron had the concept of if I can’t have him no one can! In mind when he punctured Romeo through the new, previously undiscovered organ in the lower digestive tract named the Mesentery, a lining in the upper epidermal cavity that holds stuff in place. He turned around, a single man sweat bead falling from his eye as Romeo fell behind him. Juliet ran over, and began to sob, saying, “I loved him! Tybalt, please, why did you kill him? He was my one true love!” Mercutio, the horse, galloped across the room, having witnessed what happened, pushing party goers out of the way as his long neck reached for Romeo’s lifeless corpse.
“Oh no! Not my best friend!” cried the Equus caballus, falling to his knees as he nuzzled the cadaver. He got to his hooves, drawing his sword as he stalked towards Tybalt, poking him in the chest with a bony hoof, face streaked with eye sweat, because real men don’t cry. “You killed the youngest of the Montague house and now we’re going to kill the youngest of your house,” he threatened, “Would you like to tell me who’s their deathbed, Mr. Capulet?”
“Could it be that girl right over there?” he asked, pointing to a corner, “Wait no that’s Benvolio,” he tried again, this time pointing to a donkey in the opposite corner.
Mercutio sighed flately, “Sir, do you not know what a girl is?”
To which Tybalt replied, “Not really, I’ve only ever stalked young Romeo there. But now, I may need to learn.”
Mercutio sighed again, “I think you’re stalling so I’m going to march over there, shove my sword in Juliet’s face, and you’re going to cry real tears because you’re not a real man, because real men don’t cry. Then I’m going to leave. Bye, ya nasty.”
Mercutio then does as he promised, indeed sticking his sword through Juliet’s face, and then galloped away. Benvolio the newly christened girl runs after him, tears also running down his face, because he’s not a real man anymore.