“I’ve Got the World on a String”

Warning: This contains reference to sensitive topics such as depression, self-hate, suicide, etc. Please only read ahead if you are comfortable with these topics.

Writing and Art By Chloe (Cinder) S.

My family tries to tell me
That I’ve got the world on a string.
I never believed that saying.
I thought I wasn’t good enough.
But now that I think about it…
Is this world really meant for me?

It’s a hassle to carry myself around
When I know that every decision I’ve made
Has made a stain in the clothes of society.
I can’t live with the guilt of these flaws.
I’ve caused a mess that I can’t fix.
…Or can I fix this mess?

I’ve been called so many names
And told that I’m doing it all wrong.
They only like “me” when I cosplay.
Society doesn’t like the real ME.
I can’t escape these painful feelings.
…But perhaps there is another way out?

These thoughts won’t leave me:
The human race would be better off
Without an odd one out, like me.
Everyone told me that, when I was younger
And trying to truly be myself.
But when I told my ‘trusting’ mother,
Did she even care?

She told me, “Stop whining.”
She told me, “Don’t be so sad all the time.”
She told me, “Put a smile on your face.”
She told me, “Everything is okay.”
She told me, “You’ve got the world on a string!”
She told me, “GET OVER IT!”

…..

Dear Mother,
It’s not that easy.

Little do you know that nothing is okay.
It’s been a month now, and your ‘help’
Is not any form of help to me at all.
Yelling at me to make me smile
Seems so wrong, that it scares me.

The family is already taking sides too; they’re
Telling me if I’m better or worse than a cousin.
And then they say my life is worth living
As if they think I can’t hear what they say
About me being my stupid self.

For a couple of months now,
I’ve started to gather strands of rope
To tie up all of my regrets and mistakes…
Each delicate fiber represents each name
And each thought that I have every day
About ending everything right here, right now.

All of the weight of the world is crashing down
And pulling me like tug of war…
I wish you would understand what I’m saying
Instead of just leaving me hanging…..

This might seem complicated to you at first,
But I’ve finally come to a conclusion.
With all of this stress, I only have one escape.
One last thing that I can do for the greater good…
Perhaps I need to spell it out for you.

Sorry again if this seems so sudden. This is just my
Unfortunate everyday life now. This is my fault, and
I never managed to gather enough of the
Courage to tell you about it. I thought you would be
Infuriated with me, like every time I told you about
Depressing thoughts of mine. You wouldn’t
Even let me explain myself without your shouting.

This is what I want.
This is what I deserve.
Do you understand me now?
You didn’t support me.
Nobody did.
…But at least you tried.

By the way…
Perhaps you were right
About one thing…

I’ve got the world on a string.

And it’s tied around my neck.

 

Goodbye.

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