Who She Is.

Written By: Kiersten Lupinek
Photo Credit: Creative Commons

She is mean.

She is dangerous.

She is cunning.

She comes when I know I don’t expect it.

 

She uses everything to take me down .

She tears me down,

My progress,

My stronghold.

 

She takes everything from me:

My joy,

My sleep,

My music,

My song,

 

She lies and wait for me.

She knows when I am weakest.

She knows my chink.

 

She is not the devil.

I would rather have he who I can beat.

No,

She is me.

 

She is inside,

Waiting,

Leashed…

Sometimes.

 

Deep down

Sometimes whispering,

Sometimes crippling.

I want her out.

 

Out of my mind,

My space,

My heart,

My soul.

But if I lose her I lose to myself,

And there’s only mourning for the rest.

 

Don’t let me fall to her please.

I don’t want to die.

I want freedom.

Heaven.

Peace.

 

Something…

Anything.

 

I feel her pull.

She drags me.

I fall apart.

I don’t want to fall apart…

 

Please.

I don’t want to fall apart.

Please,

I don’t want to fall.

 

I’m not evil.

Tell me I’m not evil.

Tell me I’m doing this right.

Tell me I’m doing something right…

 

Please don’t tell me I don’t know,

Know what it’s like.

You have no idea what it’s like.

Because you’re a coward.

 

There’s a difference between losing without trying,

And trying but losing anyway.

Because one is a living hell…

One is a scapegoat.

 

So screw you and your excuses,

You self proclaimed martyr.

What have you sacrificed?

What have you lost?

 

At least I try to fight her!

At least I don’t give in.

But you…

You made friends with her!

 

You bastard!

You use her now.

Just as cunning…

Just as evil…

 

So forgive me if I don’t take you seriously.

That’s why you left isn’t it?

Because I saw right through you.

I saw that you were friends with her.

That you used her as your adversary.

 

It would have been better if you were friends with the devil.

Sometimes the devil is nicer…

Sometimes there’s more empathy with the devil than with her…

 

Sometimes I wish for the devil.

In the night,

When the sun never rises,

When I never try again.

 

I am not afraid of that night.

But others are…

They’re afraid for me.

But they’ve never had to deal with her…

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